a part of the wall next to my pc is covered with contact cards and post-its. i’ve been making calls and taking notes, envisioning things, calculating, backing-up plans. and sometimes i think if it required only one person to be done, i’d have been in a peace of mind since years ago.does he even care? so how many boxes do i need to pack all these things? how large the boxes should be? should i put all the fragile stuff in one and paper-based in the other? should i alphabetize the boxes?
who cares? just throw them all in and seal. done.
wish i didn’t have to care.
so i keep doing it in details.
once in a lifetime, ladies and gentlemen. so better do it right. yeah, for myself of course. because it’s my life. mine.
me first and the gimme-gimmes.
wish i could stop whipping. wish i could just understand.
so, honey, what color would you like it in? how about the fabric? the cut is too low? okay, i’ll fix that. and oh, please remember that this one should be done at least a month before. take a note. uh, highlight it if you should. have you checked out the list i sent you? yes, please correct and send back. uh-huh we’ll get a wooden frame…
and even the essential isn’t laid out yet.
but when i’m all sober and being sane i know i’m not doing it on my own. definitely not. it’s just that too often, way too often, i’m closing it all in on me and echoing "ME! ME! ME!" in my little sorry-ass head. when i’m all sober and sane i can hear them offering helps and saying, "take it easy, we’re with you. you’ll get there safe and sound." i can see him doing the best he can to get all done the way we want it to be. so where are the ‘stay sane’ pills? can i have it in high milligram?
feel like slapping someone now? *grinning*
i know i want to do as much as i could so he wouldn’t have to worry about too many things and because it needs sincerity to be done. if i can’t start feeling and thinking that way, might just as well call everything off.
in the background nina persson is singing, "i’m sick and tired of your dramatic ways…"