manipulating feeling

mind is a tricky thing. it can be as hard as a rock and as moldy as a lump of wet clay. you have to be smarter than your mind. but how? this is where the tricky part is. it seems like there are so many people running in your head. tugging you here and there, left and right, and the strongest little guy in your heart participates cheekily. sometimes you just want to laugh and enjoy the circus, but some other times you feel like screaming and shouting to make them stop experimenting with yourself. you are not alone. you are in constant war with yourself.

i always tried to interfere with the circus. always tried to figure out how to keep the cheeky bastards in order. and each time always pathetically failed the attempt when it came to the heart. should have known i could never win against it. the more i tried to condition it, the more it rebelled. so, okay – i said to my heart – go on and play your game. i have my mind to watch over you. yeah, go on. so i sat and had many, many cups of coffee and stayed up late and listened to mellow songs and watched heart-wrenching flicks and waited for something to come up. something called muse. but nothing happened. words went tasteless *long sigh.

i know the last way out, but then it would be too risky and i just don’t want to bet my happy life on it.

wish writing a fiction could be as logical as doing a review *another long sigh.

but the last three days have been great to the cheeky bastards. they seem to enjoy the ride that I – yes I – design; just a little dose of caffeine, some burning lotus incense sticks, meddled memory, and lots of good music. this time i go easy with the smooth jazz and tune in to indie pop more. they like it. they celebrate my good show and let me be in charge so far. now my fingers are hanging just right above the keyboards and waiting for the big MUSE word to come.

wish me luck.


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